If you know, or at least suspect, someone in your life is a narcissist, you’ll likely do everything you can do to avoid them. Whether they’re a self-serving boss, arrogant sibling or toxic ex, the best advice is always to give them a wide berth and set clear boundaries for their behaviour.
However, that’s not always possible, and you might find yourself in a situation you can’t avoid and… actually, they don’t seem too bad. They make you laugh, ask thoughtful questions and have you second-guessing your original diagnosis. See, they can be nice. They can be fun. They do pay attention, after all.
But it raises the question: do they simply choose not to care or are they incapable of it? And if a narcissistic person starts exhibiting good behaviour, should you trust it?
“When we think about a narcissist we often think of somebody who’s really grandiose, who has this inflated self image and thinks the whole world revolves around them. But narcissism actually goes much deeper than that,” explains Ronia Fraser, a leading trauma recovery coach and clinical hypnotherapist.
In clinical terms, a narcissist is someone who has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). According to Emma Davey, a BACP counsellor and narcissistic abuse recovery coach, NPD is classed as a mental health condition that can be treated with talking therapy. “However, it has been scientifically proven that a narcissist’s brain is wired differently [to people without NPD], and treatment will result in very little to no change in their personality and behaviour,” she tells Stylist.
As such, they come in many different shapes and forms, and those we meet on the street may rarely fit the picture of a classic narcissist. You know the one: callous, dismissive, obsessed with their own reflection. But even though there are plenty of these ‘overt narcissists’, Fraser shares that there are even more that are seemingly self-aware and passionate about their personal development, deeply caring, and involved with their community and charitable causes.
“Narcissists tend to have a self-serving agenda”
“Narcissists aren’t necessarily bad people all the time,” adds Robert Davies, relationship expert at Condoms.uk. “Some narcissists can be charming at times because they know how to make others feel good about themselves. However, these traits tend to fade away when things don’t go their way or when they’re criticised by others.”
Yes, narcissists are unable to see beyond themselves and what they need at any given moment, but they are also capable of being good. “The reason for this is that narcissism is not the same thing as psychopathy,” Davies explains. The higher up on the NPD spectrum you go, the more calculated and intentional individuals become. But even people on the lower end who exhibit occasional narcissistic tendencies can cause incredible damage.
However, what all narcissists have in common is a sense of entitlement, manipulative behaviour patterns, a need for admiration and, crucially, a lack of empathy. It is because of this that they may find it difficult to understand other people’s feelings or perspectives, a self-centredness that can cause them to act selfishly and exploit others for their own gain.
“As narcissists do not have empathy, they are not able to genuinely care or love you,” explains Davey. Instead, narcissists will only have people in their lives that benefit them; they are very selfish people. “They are number one in their lives. If a person is giving them something (such as a place to live, money, sex, validation) they will have a place in the narcissist’s life. As soon as that person no longer benefits them, or they start to put boundaries up to protect themselves from the narcissist, they will quickly get discarded.”
So, should you take a peace offering or a kind gesture from a narcissist with a heavy pinch of salt? Probably.
Narcissists are usually very adept at presenting a false self to the world, one that may seem engaged, interested and supportive but is often just their attempt to gain your validation.
“Everything they do can be an intentionally created illusion to serve a purpose,” Fraser reminds us. “Narcissists tend to have a self-serving agenda in anything they do, whether it serves the purpose of building rapport and gaining trust, luring their victims in, collecting ammunition to use to take them down later or they need connections, money, a place to live or anything else.
“The trap lies in those five minutes when the narcissist treated us well, pretending to care deeply, loving us unconditionally for who we are. As the mask comes off, that’s what our brain naturally latches on to and uses to justify all the bad times. This is one of the hardest things to get our head around but the truth is: it was never real.”
It’s true that the longer you’re around a narcissist, the more you learn about their patterns of behaviour. The person they portrayed when you first met them is not who they really are. So if you find yourself in this situation, what’s the best way to proceed?
“If you are dealing with a narcissist that you can’t cut ties with, it is important to understand that they will never change, nor will they ever be able to see the damage their behaviour causes,” says Davies. “Narcissists don’t know what they’re doing or why they do it. They also don’t know how to stop or change their behaviour.”
With a narcissist, he says, it’s important to understand that they can’t love you back in the same way as you love them: “Narcissists are unable to see beyond themselves and what they need at any given moment. They don’t consider how their actions affect others and they don’t care about anyone but themselves.”
However, as Fraser advises, it’s important to stop focusing on the narcissist. Stop analysing their behaviours and trying to figure them out and shift the focus onto you and your wellbeing instead.
“We can’t change them, but what we can change is how we feel about them,” she stresses. “They will continue to do what they have always done, but if we take responsibility for ourselves and our healing and take care of those buttons they are pushing, there won’t be any buttons left to push. They’ll have to find someone else to do it with, but it won’t be you.”
You can visit womensaid.org.uk or call 0808-2000 247 for more information about coercive control, domestic abuse, and the help available for those affected.