Shondaland Staff
Losing a friend — or looking around and realizing you want deeper connections — is never easy. But the silver lining is that it’s not the end; it’s a starting point for something new. With the right mindset, a loss doesn’t have to be a void. It can be space — space for a few new friends who get you, who love you, and who want to be around you.
Of course, new beginnings can be exciting, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not intimidating. We know firsthand that making new friends as we get older can be much harder than anticipated, especially because so many of us are actively going out on a limb to do it for the first time — rather than buddying up with classmates or coworkers in our immediate surroundings.
It can be tempting to just stand on a street corner with a “Wanted: Friends” sign hanging around your neck or, you know, just crawl into a hole and never come out again. But you aren’t alone: A 2019 case study showed that 45 percent of adults find it difficult to make new friends. The study also found that 45 percent would go out of their way to make new friends if they knew how. Lucky for us, we know some pretty great friendship experts who can help.
Whether you are looking to build casual connections at networking events or hoping to unearth a deep friendship with someone new, the trickiest part can be how to approach these situations. But where there’s a will, there’s a way — and you don’t have to change a thing about yourself or your personality. Here’s how to make friends as an introvert and as an extravert. And truly, we can learn from one another.
How to make new friends as an introvert
The introvert’s dilemma
While it’s true that introverts tend to enjoy alone time and need it more frequently to recharge, it’s not true that they dislike people or social environments or that they avoid both altogether. Just because you show more reservation than enthusiasm in these settings, it doesn’t mean you need to change or that you can’t make new friends. Kat Vellos, a speaker, connection coach, and the author of We Should Get Together and Connected From Afar, advises introverts to “Resist the pressure from the outside world to deny your true nature or force yourself to be extroverted.” Lean into who you are.
Danielle Bayard Jackson, a licensed educator and friendship coach, says that introverts have a lot of strengths that are often overlooked. “I think [we] sometimes joke about them being incapable or not knowing what to do … and they actually have a lot of superpowers that we don’t give credit to. They’re very observant. They’re really good listeners. And I think that makes for really good friends.” So, how can introverts embrace their strengths and make new friends in the process?
Camp out on the edges
The introverts’ biggest challenge — but also one of their greatest strengths — is their natural inclination to stay away from the spotlight. Because you prefer small groups and enjoy getting to know people on a deeper level, use this to your advantage.
“One of my favorite ways to do this is by going to a social event, then camping out on the edge with other perimeter-loving, highly sensitive people who don’t want to be in the center of the action,” Vellos, who is an introvert herself, tells Shondaland in an email. “The kitchen and the edge of a deck or yard are where I’ve often found the best conversations and feelings of connection at an otherwise overwhelming party.”
Don’t feel pressured to talk to everyone
Jackson says to carefully choose which conversations you take part in. She recommends scanning the space for those who seem especially open to initiating or receiving conversation.
“The more the bodies are turned open in the circle, the more open that group is to receiving people coming in, as opposed to if they’re toe-to-toe and having a conversation where they’re all intently facing each other,” Jackson says.
Watch for those who have their eyes up, who are not on their phones, who are smiling, and who look like they’re having a good time. All of those attributes increase your chances of starting and participating in a good conversation and making a new friend.
Give yourself a time frame
The key for introverts is to be mindful of how they spend their energy so that when they spend it, they spend it well. “If you know you have a small social battery and you can show up for one hour and then it’s overwhelming for you, make use of that information about yourself,” Jackson says. “If you know you only have an hour to spend, choose carefully the things that you say yes to.”
Jackson recommends giving yourself a deadline for how long you’ll stay at a gathering or event so that you don’t feel anxiety looming over the length of every conversation you have. Adapting the mindset that you’re only going to be there for an hour or two helps you truly plug in, ask questions, and give your best during the established time that you’ve given yourself to engage.
As an introvert, you feel and think deeply, so this means that you have the rare ability to go deeper more quickly with someone new. An hour or two may be just the amount of time you need.
Go digital
If you are avoiding big gatherings at all costs, text a friend who is well connected and express that you’d like to meet a new friend or two. Jackson says, “It’s a safe, no-risk environment to reach out to somebody in a small, contained DM or a text, as opposed to going to a social gathering and chatting up a stranger, which can feel like it requires a lot of energy.”
Remember: You don’t have to obliterate or change your social boundaries. You get to work with them — and furthermore, make them work for you.
How to make new friends as an extrovert
The extrovert’s dilemma
What most people don’t know about extroverts is that although they are often the life of the party and approach new people and conversations with ease, they can end up feeling less connected and unsatisfied because their connections reach wide but not as deep.
“Your superpower is your energy and ability to flit from friend to friend like the social butterfly you are,” Vellos says, “but don’t stretch yourself too thin. Research surprisingly shows that extroverts are more likely to feel like their friendships lack depth, simply because they’re spreading the resources of their attention across a too-large group of people. It can lead to feeling like everybody knows your name, but no one knows who you really are.”
Psychiatrist Carl Jung found that extroverts are energized by crowds and get excited about engaging with and meeting lots of new people. If you’re an extrovert, your gift is that people are naturally drawn to you because you are genuinely curious about others, and there is no need to dim your vibrant, magnetic self. Here are a few things you can do to feel more deeply known and get to know others more deeply in the search for a new connection.
Slow down
If you find yourself talking to too many different people at an event or have a tendency to hang out with a new person every day of the week, slow down a bit. “Think about the three to four people you genuinely want a closer friendship with,” Vellos says.
The key is to be committed. “If you decide to focus on deepening a smaller number of close friendships, it’s going to mean saying no to other social engagements,” she says. “Your social life might look quieter as you focus on depth over breadth. Just remember what you want to prioritize and dedicate yourself to that. Your friends (and your future self) will thank you.”
Go deep
“I would encourage extroverts who actively work the room to find one or two people you can vibe with, and find a way to go deeper in conversation with the few instead of being so focused on doing all the things when you go to a social gathering,” Jackson says. “If the goal is depth and connection, you have to go deep instead of wide.”
Challenge yourself to find and talk to one or two people for a longer amount of time, and maybe on the couch away from everyone else, rather than getting to know everyone at the party or in your pottery class. It’s tempting to talk to every single person — and scary because you feel like you’re missing out on someone if you don’t — but you’ll miss out on more if you spend only a fleeting, shallow moment with each person.
Ask follow-up questions
Extroverts can be magnetic because they like making people laugh and smile and don’t mind opening up and letting people in. But Jackson, who is an extrovert herself, says that just because extroverts are good at working a room and sharing things about themselves doesn’t mean they should do it frequently or right away. In fact, sharing too much but not receiving in return is what leaves extroverts feeling less connected.
“We sometimes unintentionally bring it to ourselves,” Jackson says. “I don’t think this is necessarily a selfish motive. I think sometimes we do it to relate to people, you know, so it’s tempting to say, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m from Detroit too! Let me tell you all about it.’ But why not ask one or two more follow-up questions after a person shares something before you bring it back to yourself?”
Jackson says a magical phrase is “Tell me more.” You might find the seedlings of a new, true friendship. And you’ve done the hardest part already by planting them.
Mia Brabham is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow her on Twitter @hotmessmia.