When it comes to self-improvement, we tend to think of new things we can do to be better versions of ourselves. Whether that’s implementing a new workout routine or learning a language, the focus is always on adding.
But what if unlearning things that don’t serve us is as important as adding in new new habits when it comes to being better versions of ourselves?
“There are some really simple, easy-to-follow techniques we can introduce to our lives to reduce stress and anxiety. But adding a load of new habits to our already busy lives isn’t always the most useful,” says psychologist Zoe Mallet.
“Habits that worked for us last year may not work for us this year, and we easily absorb habits from the people around us. If things aren’t working, they should change, and this is a constantly evolving process. That sounds tiring, but spending time on habits that don’t work saps our energy more than making change.”
How to identify a bad habit
First up, let’s talk about what a habit is. It’s not occasionally texting your ex or cancelling plans at the last minute, but something you do automatically, almost involuntarily. Have you ever come out of your work zone and realised you had been twisting some hair between your fingers or biting your nails for 10 minutes without noticing? That’s a habit.
But there’s no such thing as an intrinsically ‘good’ or ‘bad’ habit. But there are habits that leave us unsatisfied or annoyed with ourselves – those are the habits you might want to break. “To figure out what that might look like for you, identify a payoff for the habit. If you cannot find a positive outcome from the habit, then it is probably something to unlearn,” says Max Eames, clinical director of the wellbeing and psychological services centre at the University of East London.
Why is unlearning old habits important?
Naturally, some habits can’t co-exist (like snoozing your alarm and waking up early), which means some new habits can put an end to bad ones. “Introducing new habits to our lives will almost always involve both learning and unlearning,” says Eames.
But more often than not, we need to unlearn old habits to avoid layering new routines onto old impulses. There’s also the fact that trying be a brand new you is hard. That idea that it takes 21 days to form a new habit isn’t true – it’s more like two months. For that reason, stopping old habits might be easier than forming new habits. Focusing on not sitting at your desk throughout lunch is definitely easier than attempting to walk 10,000 steps every afternoon.
How to unlearn bad habits
According to Mallet and Eames, getting curious with old habits is the first step. “To unlearn a habit, you must first break it down to its basic elements: what is it? What does it require? What does it achieve? How does it make you feel?” Eames says.
Similarly, Mallet says, “The best thing to do is get a bit of paper and start writing down daily habits you notice from when you wake up until you go to sleep. Go through which ones you like and don’t like.
“Once you understand what the habit is and how it’s not supporting you, you can start to think about what you need to do to get out of this routine. Can you go cold turkey, do you need to wean yourself off over the period of a few days, weeks or months? Do you need support from a housemate, a friend or a partner to unlearn this bad habit?”
When you catch yourself itching to perform the habit, speak out loud. “Stop yourself and say, ‘I’ve said I’m not going to do this any more because it isn’t supporting me because of XYZ and if I stop doing it, it will make me feel like XYZ and will bring me XYZ.’ That’s the purpose, which will give you the motivation to continue,” says Mallet.
Ultimately, unlearning old habits is a great way to free up some brain space before putting down the building blocks for new, better ways of living. Remember that change doesn’t only come from doing more, but sometimes doing less.
Images: Getty