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Recommendations from Pocket Users

david mcqueen

Shared January 1, 2017

2. we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Lauren Reynolds

Shared September 7, 2017

Huge proponent of laissez faire parenting

rithik panneer

Shared April 19, 2018

Lai Lai fail alr

Yuk Yu, Alison LEE

Shared December 24, 2016

Lahey sees the results of a fixed mindset in her classrooms. The kids who have been overpraised for their smarts “do the bare minimum required top get by; they never take up the gauntlet of challenging extra work and are reluctant to risk saying anything that might be wrong,” she writes.

Dweck’s advice is easy: praise effort, not outcomes. Lahey adds to that advice: let your kids know about your own struggles. If they see you fail and survive, they will know that failing at a task is not failing as a person.

Mica Yambao

Shared August 24, 2017

Rescuing her son would make Lahey feel like a good mom, but it would not help her son’s organizational issues. Parenting for the long term meant leaving the homework on the table and letting her son, and herself, suffer a bit.

Sam Chan

Shared January 1, 2017

The dirty secret of parenting is that kids can do more than we think they can, and it’s up to us to figure that out.

Maciej Bliziński

Shared March 15, 2017

While I'm an expert in parenting (that is: no kids)

Keshaw Gajadin

Shared January 27, 2017

Kids who were raised by controlling or directive parents could not contemplate tasks on their own, but the kids who were being raised by autonomy-supportive parents stuck with tasks, even when they got frustrated. Kids who can redirect and stay engaged in tasks, even when they find those tasks difficult become less and less dependent on guidance in order to focus, study, organize, and otherwise run their own lives.

Tucker Chastain

Shared October 10, 2017

Although advice like “let them try and fail” seems blindingly obvious, it is very hard to implement.

Tucker Chastain

Shared October 10, 2017

Although advice like “let them try and fail” seems blindingly obvious, it is very hard to implement.

Julio Makdisse Saito

Shared December 25, 2017

we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Benjamin

Shared January 24, 2018

"We seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones."

Karl Blattmann

Shared October 25, 2015

Can't wait to get to think about this stuff with our new daughter.

Karl Blattmann

Shared October 25, 2015

Can't wait to get to think about this stuff with our new daughter.

Evren Atesalp

Shared November 25, 2016

Makes absolute sense, however easier said than done!

Алексей Точилов

Shared March 22, 2017

логично, блин

Andrew Ellis

Shared March 28, 2017

No more participation awards

Zaky Amirullah

Shared July 31, 2017

Good insight

Anna Kryvko

Shared May 21, 2018

“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” she told Quartz.

Roberto Chang

Shared January 3, 2017

Your

Emanoel Carvalho Lopes

Shared March 1, 2017

I'll try

"praise effort, not outcomes."

Korbi S

Shared September 11, 2017

@J

Margaret K Ramey

Shared January 11, 2018

Relearn from there mistakes

Jessica Mita

Shared December 22, 2016

To note for the future. Failure = success

Paul Wachtel

Shared January 11, 2017

being

M J

Shared April 14, 2017

Seems blindingly obvious

Emmy Udoh Jr.

Shared August 16, 2017

For present and aspiring parents

Aditya DSR

Shared September 22, 2017

Hits the bullseye with quite an ease, but go through it only if you are open to the opinion. I loved it!!

Lindsay Sims

Shared December 5, 2017

Failing is learning.

David Johnson

Shared December 24, 2017

very interesting

Michael Wagura

Shared January 16, 2018

Good read

Kaj Grönholm

Shared February 2, 2018

Interesting

Andrei Slobtsov

Shared February 23, 2018

I remember failing at almost burning my parents house down.

we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Olisa Mordi

Shared April 12, 2018

A lot of geniuses today are nothing because of parochial parenting.

Researchers give two groups of fifth graders easy tests. Group one is told they got the questions right because they are smart. Group two is told they got the questions right because they tried hard. Then they give the kids a harder test, one designed to be far above their ability. Turns out the “smart” kids don’t like the test and don’t want to do more. The “effort” kids think they need to try harder and welcome the chance to try again. The researchers give them a third test, another easy one. The “smart” kids struggle, and perform worse than they did on the first test (which was equally easy). The “effort” kids outperform their first test, and outperform their “smart” peers.

Olisa Mordi

Shared April 12, 2018

Kids who were raised by controlling or directive parents could not contemplate tasks on their own, but the kids who were being raised by autonomy-supportive parents stuck with tasks, even when they got frustrated. Kids who can redirect and stay engaged in tasks, even when they find those tasks difficult become less and less dependent on guidance in order to focus, study, organize, and otherwise run their own lives.

Nadissa C

Shared July 5, 2018

praise effort, not outcomes. Lahey adds to that advice: let your kids know about your own struggles. If they see you fail and survive, they will know that failing at a task is not failing as a person

Dale Brittain

Shared March 10, 2017

No more participation medals! Not tough love, just smart love.

Michelle Henson

Shared July 6, 2017

this is so true nowadays

Jay Chang

Shared February 3, 2016

She couldn’t pinpoint the root of the problem until she realized: we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Lahey cites the work of Wendy Grolnick, a psychologist, who puts pairs of mothers and children in a room and videotapes them as they play. Grolnick then labels the mothers as “controlling” or “autonomy-supportive,” meaning the moms let the kids figure things out on their own. Grolnick then invites the pairs back and the children are put in a room by themselves and asked to perform a task. The results were “striking,” Grolnick says in the book. The children who had controlling mothers gave up when faced with a task they could not master. The others did not. Lahey writes:

Kids who were raised by controlling or directive parents could not contemplate tasks on their own, but the kids who were being raised by autonomy-supportive parents stuck with tasks, even when they got frustrated. Kids who can redirect and stay engaged in tasks, even when they find those tasks difficult become less and less dependent on guidance in order to focus, study, organize, and otherwise run their own lives.

siska maria Eviline

Shared December 18, 2016

Guys, you need to read this..

Mik Wimmers

Shared December 19, 2016

good article about a great book

alexis campomanes

Shared December 20, 2016

ee2n

marzia moretti

Shared January 9, 2017

She couldn’t pinpoint the root of the problem until she realized: we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Victor Wong

Shared January 16, 2017

share this as an opinion.

Rodolfo Oviedo

Shared January 18, 2017

Let

Peter Nemeth

Shared February 5, 2017

Raising people thinking and acting for themselves? YES PLEASE!

Arden Turnbull

Shared February 10, 2017

great adivce

Chad Roghair

Shared February 19, 2017

"Lahey suggests that if you go to the games, cheer like a grandparent and not a parent. College athletes wanted grandparents at their games because their support was not predicated on achievement."

Hala Mendel

Shared March 16, 2017

la app funciona pero no hay paginas en español

Anna Carbonell

Shared March 28, 2017

As a teenager, I simply loved this article

Anchal verma

Shared April 14, 2017

best

Tiffany McLeod

Shared April 28, 2017

Success in just about everything is proceeded by failure. From tweaking a program, repairing an appliance, to building something from scratch: try, fail, try something else, fail, try something else, succeed! Science calls this experimenting. Technicians and coders call it troubleshooting. If you don't know how to fail usefully as an adult, you are shit out of luck. If you give up as soon as you fail the first time, you will never learn anything and never advance personally or professionally. You will be at the mercy of vultures of all sorts, willing to overcharge you for everything, manipulate you as they please, and abandon you as soon as you are no longer of use to them. Fortunately, you can start to practice learning through failure anytime. Go play a video game or try to fix a broken item.

erica m

Shared May 4, 2017

"Be open with your kids about your own struggles, it shows them that you can fail a test or mess something up and still survive. it shows them that failing at a task is not failing as a person." -this article is what every parent needs to be reminded of at times.

Kathy Ellen Davis

Shared August 11, 2017

We are all about this. Rosemary fails all the time and when she gets older I'll tell her about all my writing rejections!

Arlene K

Shared November 13, 2017

Sound advice 👍🏻

Nikhil Kochhar

Shared March 8, 2018

Praise effort and not outcomes

Rachel K

Shared April 5, 2018

I could have recommended it just by the title. It’s one thing to stop them from doing something that is really dangerous. There are things like not studying for a test which ends in not doing so well, or your 12 year old son to be careful outside because there are patches of ice when instead he sneaks his skateboard outside because “his friends are” and wipes out on it. Hey, at least he was wearing a helmet.

How do babies learn to walk? They fall and get back up. Those that are carried constantly tend to move a lot later than the ones allowed to move around on their own. NOT always, I’m not trying to pick a fight, it’s just an example. Anyway, I think I made my point.

Christine Vasquez

Shared May 10, 2018

‼️💯

Mark Cassar

Shared May 28, 2018

Excellent advice to the parachute parent who always wants to save the day.

Pocket User

Shared June 19, 2018

This is for you. You know who you are

hapi 218

Shared June 21, 2018

#hapi to have smart and witty kids and so excited to reach the day to finally be with the additional kids and love them as my own 😍

Katya Castro

Shared July 3, 2018

“Praise effort not outcomes”

GROUNDING THE HELICOPTER
Parents: let your kids fail. You’ll be doing them a favor
By Jenny Anderson October 20, 2015

Big mistake.
Your teenager has a science project due. He hates science. He hates projects (as do you). Do you:

A. Set deadlines for him, get the necessary materials, lay them out on the table with some homemade chocolate chip cookies

B. Ask your neighbor who is a renowned chemist to stop by and wax poetic about the joys of the periodic table

C. Hide and pray

If, out of love or a desire to bolster your child’s self-esteem, you picked A or B, teacher and author Jessica Lahey thinks you’re wrong.

“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” she told Quartz.

That question is at the heart of her best-selling book, The Gift of Failure. She realized not long ago that something was wrong with her parenting and something was amiss with the middle-school students she taught. They wilted in the face of challenge. They didn’t love learning like they used to. Parents took bad grades personally. Everyone was unhappy.

She couldn’t pinpoint the root of the problem until she realized: we seem to be more worried about raising happy children than competent or autonomous ones.

Lahey cites the work of Wendy Grolnick, a psychologist, who puts pairs of mothers and children in a room and videotapes them as they play. Grolnick then labels the mothers as “controlling” or “autonomy-supportive,” meaning the moms let the kids figure things out on their own. Grolnick then invites the pairs back and the children are put in a room by themselves and asked to perform a task. The results were “striking,” Grolnick says in the book. The children who had controlling mothers gave up when faced with a task they could not master. The others did not. Lahey writes:

Kids who were raised by controlling or directive parents could not contemplate tasks on their own, but the kids who were being raised by autonomy-supportive parents stuck with tasks, even when they got frustrated. Kids who can redirect and stay engaged in tasks, even when they find those tasks difficult become less and less dependent on guidance in order to focus, study, organize, and otherwise run their own lives.

Although advice like “let them try and fail” seems blindingly obvious, it is very hard to implement. At every book event for the Gift of Failure, at least one parent approaches Lahey in tears. The parent describes a 16-year-old son who cannot pack a backpack or an 18-year-old daughter who cannot manage conflict.

“We think, ‘I have plenty of time to teach them,’” Lahey says. “And then they are 17.”

So what’s a well-intentioned parent seeking failure (to get to success) supposed to do?

Lahey spoke with Quartz about some ways to inhibit the helicopter in all of us and build resilient kids.

Define your end game: long or short term?

“We rescue because it feels good,” Lahey says.

Lahey admits she is equally culpable, though she has tried to change. One morning she found her son’s homework on the table and decided not to drop it off at his school, even though she was going anyways. She was determined that he become more independent and better organized. She took to Facebook to discuss her decision. “If your husband left his cell phone, would you take it to him?” said one friend.

“I am not raising my husband,” she thought.

Rescuing her son would make Lahey feel like a good mom, but it would not help her son’s organizational issues. Parenting for the long term meant leaving the homework on the table and letting her son, and herself, suffer a bit.

As it turned out, the teacher gave her son some extra work and offered some tips on how to remember his homework in the future. The tips have served him well, Lahey says.

Let them own it

Ever grabbed a sponge from a kid because she was making too much of a mess cleaning up?

The dirty secret of parenting is that kids can do more than we think they can, and it’s up to us to figure that out. (Apparently the French have sorted this out with kids and cooking, and they let their young toddlers wield large knives.) Kids can do dishes and clean a room without a bribe, but to get to clean kitchens and tidier rooms we have to face messier kitchens, not perfectly sorted laundry, and clothes stuffed in drawers while they figure it out.

Lahey cites the example of a student who was struggling in a gifted and talented school. His mother had been running interference for him for years, managing issues with teachers, and nagging the teen to do his work. The alternative was the failing local public school.

Fed up, the mother took the son to the school. She gave him the choice: she wasn’t working anymore to keep him in the gifted program. Her son was shocked at what he saw and stepped up his work. He started to talk to his teachers when he had problems—without his mom setting up the meetings—and did more homework. He was never an A student, but that was not the point.

Praise effort and not outcomes

We love to praise our kids; call it a hangover from the self-esteem movement of the 1970s. But praising kids for being smart rather than working hard pushes them into what Stanford researcher Carol Dweck calls a fixed mindset, one in which kids shy away from challenges. Consider this study, which Dweck did variations on for years and I wrote about here:

Researchers give two groups of fifth graders easy tests. Group one is told they got the questions right because they are smart. Group two is told they got the questions right because they tried hard. Then they give the kids a harder test, one designed to be far above their ability. Turns out the “smart” kids don’t like the test and don’t want to do more. The “effort” kids think they need to try harder and welcome the chance to try again. The researchers give them a third test, another easy one. The “smart” kids struggle, and perform worse than they did on the first test (which was equally easy). The “effort” kids outperform their first test, and outperform their “smart” peers.

And here’s the really scary part: the researchers then tell the kids they’re going to give the same test at another school, and ask them to send a note over with their own scores. Forty percent of the “smart” kids lie about their results, compared with around 10% of the “effort” kids.

Lahey sees the results of a fixed mindset in her classrooms. The kids who have been overpraised for their smarts “do the bare minimum required top get by; they never take up the gauntlet of challenging extra work and are reluctant to risk saying anything that might be wrong,” she writes.

Dweck’s advice is easy: praise effort, not outcomes. Lahey adds to that advice: let your kids know about your own struggles. If they see you fail and survive, they will know that failing at a task is not failing as a person.

Cheer like a grandparent, not a parent

Most of us sign our kids up for sports for the right reasons. We want them to run around, get fresh air, learn how to be part of a team, and have fun. If they show talent, many of us suddenly turn into maniacs, screaming instructions about sports we have never played and questioning coaches at decibel levels we prohibit at home. Some soccer leagues have implemented silent soccer Saturdays in an attempt to silence the parents and coaches and give the game back to the kids.

Bruce Brown and Rob Miller, two former coaches who formed Proactive Coaching, asked college athletes, “What is your worst memory from playing youth and high school sports?” The answer was the drive home with their parents. Too much advice, not enough support.

Lahey suggests that if you go to the games, cheer like a grandparent and not a parent. College athletes wanted grandparents at their games because their support was not predicated on achievement.

“Grandparents don’t critique the coach’s strategy or a referee’s call. Even in the face of embarrassing failures on the field, grandparents support their grandchildren with no ulterior motive or agenda,” Lahey writes.

The teacher is your partner, not your adversary

If we talk to teachers and they talk to us, a lot of problems can be avoided. Easier said than done.

Lahey tells harrowing tales of parents who demand grade changes and refuse to see challenges as learning opportunities. “Teaching has become a push and pull between opposing forces in which parents want teachers to educate their children with increasing rigor, but reject those rigorous lessons as ‘too hard’ or ‘too frustrating’ for their children to endure,” she writes.

Lahey has a long list of suggestions on how to build a better parent-teacher relationship. Some are so obvious it is sad she has to write them down—be friendly and polite; project an attitude of respect for education.

Here are some others:

Wait a day before emailing a teacher over a perceived emergency or crisis
Let the teacher know about big events at home
Let your child have a voice; role-play to help him prepare for tough conversations
Some other excellent books on the subject of extracting yourself from your kids’ lives include Madeline Levine’s Teach Your Children Well: Parenting for Authentic Success and Wendy Mogel’s The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.

The somewhat contrarian message in all of them: failure = success.

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Ashley Woodfall

Shared July 5, 2018

"Make mistakes. make glorious mistakes no-one has made before" Neil Gaimon

JT Kim

Shared January 3, 2017

If, out of love or a desire to bolster your child’s self-esteem, you picked A or B, teacher and author Jessica Lahey thinks you’re wrong.

“Do I want [my kids] to be happy now and not-scared and not-anxious, or, a year from now, do I hope that they pushed through being a-little-anxious and a little scared and became a little more competent?” she told Quartz.

Marc Otten

Shared January 9, 2017

Hi Stephanie, please read this.

June Yeoh

Shared January 10, 2017

how many parents are guilty of this?

Asad nur

Shared January 15, 2017

https://goo.gl/1RNu1J

Grocery Guy

Shared May 9, 2017

Been reading a book called "Drop the Worry Ball" that follows along the same lines

Francisco Quintero

Shared May 28, 2017

Rescuing her son would make Lahey feel like a good mom, but it would not help her son’s organizational issues. Parenting for the long term meant leaving the homework on the table and letting her son, and herself, suffer a bit.

Verma Abanilla

Shared August 4, 2017

"Lahey sees the results of a fixed mindset in her classrooms. The kids who have been overpraised for their smarts “do the bare minimum required top get by; they never take up the gauntlet of challenging extra work and are reluctant to risk saying anything that might be wrong,” she writes."

Вика Трофимова

Shared February 25, 2018

WAY WAY