Malcolm Venable is a staff writer at Shondaland. Follow him on Twitter @malcolmvenable.
Hannah Minn
“Needy” doesn’t have a great connotation. As with the “Overly Attached Girlfriend” meme from a few years back, “needy” in the context of a relationship (likely a new one) implies needing constant reassurance, which gets compulsive and is off-putting. That can manifest as doing a lot of checking in, wanting continual verification from a partner that everything is okay, or even a lot of literal hand-holding. Needy can be a slur, but it might not always be an unfair label. It’s actually healthy to have emotional needs and a need to connect in a relationship. That’s the whole point of pairing up with someone.
As humans, we’re wired for companionship and building relationships. They’re crucial for survival. We needed relationships in prehistoric times to ward off predators and share the burdens of hunting and cooking; nowadays, we need relationships for overall well-being and emotional health. Tons of medical research supports the notion that loneliness can pose risks to well-being, and studies show that simply being touched can reduce blood pressure and release all kinds of feel-good hormones in our bodies, in turn boosting immunity. Not only is it normal to need people, but it’s good for you, and anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is wrong. The trick sometimes is finding someone whose needs align with yours, and vice versa.
How to ensure your needs get met
Needs are great, and ideally you find a person who’s able to meet yours. Some people like a lot of touch. Some people want to check in with a partner a couple of times a day; some couples need so much space that they have separate bedrooms or even places of residence. Particularly in the 21st century, as we embrace varying gender expressions and types of relationships, there’s no one size fits all. That said, not all needs are created equally, and to have your needs met, you need to first know exactly what they are and where those needs stem from.
Know thyself
Tammy Shaklee, a matchmaker based in Austin, Texas, says knowing yourself on an intimate level — particularly your love languages and your attachment style, which can be secure, avoidant, or anxious, or a bit of a combination of all three — is crucial. When you don’t know what your needs are, why you have them in the first place, or if your needs are rooted in past trauma and hurt, you won’t be able to communicate them or manage them. But you also need to be dating the right person.
“You need to be paired with someone who wants to be needed,” she says. Indeed, someone who’s emotionally unavailable will read any attempts at connection as needy, and if you want something deeper than a booty call, not someone who offers connection only when it’s convenient for them or on their terms, they’re not a good fit for you.
If you know your own needs well, then you can find an ideal match.
JuanDarien
The difference between healthy and unhealthy needs
Emotional needs are a bit like an all-you-can-eat buffet. They can be simple –– just one plate for me, thanks! –– perhaps a little indulgent, or, left unchecked, can spill over into a territory that’s not quite realistic or healthy. For example, saying you’d like to see someone (who lives in the same city as you) at least once a week is reasonable; wanting to be with them every day if you’ve just met, and they live miles away and they work long hours, is probably not. Likewise, the way people communicate needs is as important as the needs themselves. So, if your new bae is, for example, a surgeon, getting an attitude with her because she didn’t reply back fast enough to a text you sent in the middle of the day (when she’s working) isn’t healthy. “I like to check in during the day; is there a time of day that’s best for us to connect for you?” is better.
There’s a marked difference between expressing needs in a considerate and constructive way and expressing them in a demanding way. People are often labeled needy not because their needs are out of control but because they don’t communicate them thoughtfully.
Bonnie Winston is a matchmaker based in New York (she recently was seen on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, setting up Garcelle Beauvais with her beau). She makes all her clients meet with a therapist to ensure clients are in an emotionally healthy place and also to help them figure out their needs. Getting clear on needs can lead to some important insights about your attachment style or, on a deeper level, old hurts and traumas that you’re acting out on.
“It’s hard not to let your past hurts affect current relationships, but you can’t help it sometimes,” says Winston. These are nothing to be ashamed of — we all have them — but understanding the emotional root of our behaviors, perhaps with the help of a therapist, can help uncover issues around trust, abandonment, or codependency that may help limit the expectations and demands we’re placing on other people. As Deepak Chopra writes in his book, The Path to Love, “Even if your partner bends over backwards to satisfy every need you have, the final outcome will be the same as if none of your needs was met: You will be left to confront why you have such needs.”
Make sure your expectations are healthy and reasonable
Nobody likes to feel smothered or rushed, and you want to be sure your expectations are reasonable and healthy, and compatible with the person you’re dating — everyone has different needs for attention, affection, and time spent together. Being needy isn’t just limited to emotions or requests for spending time with someone. It’s also important to be conscious of how much you’re asking someone to do things for you: helping with your résumé, showing you how to cook, making them always plan and organize dates. It’s important to evaluate how much you’re giving versus receiving, as relationships are give and take.
Communicate effectively
If you’ve been seeing someone and some time has passed — a few weeks or a few months or so — it’s healthy and fine to express your needs in a calm, nonconfrontational way. So, instead of texting, “I hate it when you never text me back right away,” you might try using a phone call or an in-person date to say, “I like where we are, but I sometimes feel a little anxious when I don’t hear back from you after a whole day. What is your approach to texting like?” You might learn they only check their phone between certain hours, or they’d rather talk on the phone. It’s good to keep in mind that other people’s behavior often has nothing to do with you.
Don’t forget to focus on yourself
The other thing you can do is really focus on yourself instead of the person you’re dating (no matter how difficult that may be at first). Invest in yourself. Cultivate your own hobbies, interests, and friendships that add richness and value to your life. If you’re dealing with a lot of emotional dysregulation, anxiety, or frustration, get a therapist to help you work through any trauma or attachment insecurities you may have.
You want to be a whole person and emotionally autonomous — you don’t want to be dependent on one person to fulfill all your needs. “It’s important not to neglect yourself,” says Shaklee.
Remember, nobody can make you happy but you. It’s easy in the early blissful days of a new relationship to forget your own power and value. Yet there is not one person alive worth losing yourself over; you don’t need to beg or chase anyone for attention, affection, or time. People who like you and want to be with you show you: They follow up, they don’t leave you hanging, they consider your feelings, they’re happy to do what it takes to see you happy. If your s.o. or friends aren’t doing that after you’ve set realistic expectations for them and conveyed what you need, you should move on.
What to do if you’ve met someone needy
If you feel potential with someone whose need for connection seems to be more intense than yours, if they’re maybe just coming on a little too strong or asking for too much, your best bet is to calmly and honestly communicate what’s on your mind.
Before Shaklee married her husband, for example, they dated for a year and a half, and early on she started to notice that on Sunday afternoons, he would go quiet.
“At one point, I literally asked him, ‘Are you seeing another woman on Sunday afternoon? You’re so consistent, but then I don’t see you or talk to you Sunday afternoon.’ He said, ‘I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m a gamer. I never told you that, but on Sunday I like to have time to play video games with football on while I do my laundry, to prepare for Monday.’” She was surprised he’d never told her before, but when he communicated his needs to her — he needs Sunday alone with himself to have his ritual — she could understand him better and give him the space he required. She made Sundays her time to hang out with her friends.
By giving your potential or current s.o. information about your needs, you give the other person the reassurance they need and reduce the likelihood of the person demanding more than you can give. It could turn out that you’re not compatible, but, hey, that just means you’re closer to finding compatibility somewhere else.